If you can force your Freud, Jung, and
Dr. Phil back in their closets for a moment, Iíve got a story to tell you. If
you canít, just ignore me, and go invade another
Mythologies supporting after-death
events have peppered mankindís recorded history. My contention here is that certain lost souls, after departing
their personal judgment, exit quickly, straight downward, on The Hades Express!
(Perhaps youíve heard the phrase: Go straight to Hell.)
After all disembark from The Express, funny
enough, thereís NO Smoking! Then a sorting process begins. This process
was adopted from Germanyís Nazis, and as a result, the Nazis reap the very
worst treatment. Itís only logical that
the more hateful you behaved during your life, the more you will suffer in your
after-life. However, logic usually
doesnít ever include teasing, irony, or sarcasm. Guess what? Hell most surely
Murderers, pedophiles, dictators and the
like belong in certain groups with the appropriate punishments. Tax
accountants, lawyers, and baseball umpires will merit special treatment.
War profiteers, embezzlers, and Don King
all belong in the correct, painful places. But one special place in Hell that you
may not have heard of is Hellís Cruise Ship! I foresee that itís kinda like Carnival Cruises on a
really, really bad week.
The parameters that mandate an individualís
selection to sail on this wicked boat are limited, while at the same time, quite
broad. Only a few are listed here, so watch your sorry ass!
Have you ever kicked a kitty or
Ever yell at a busboy or waitress?
Howabout grease-painting your body to
attend a sports event?
Have you ever fixed, or help fix an
Ever use the ď NĒ-word?
Have you ever wasted a busy doctorís
Ever buy a rap CD?
Have you ever driven within 2mph of the
posted speed limitÖ
in the fast lane?
Have you ever denied a
veteran due medical coverage?
Have you ever needlessly been unkind to
your fellow man?
Well, The Prince of Darkness has a cabin,
reserved for you!
The Devilís Ship is The Bismarck
Redoux. The Bismarckís itinerary
includes two kinds of voyages. The
first, standard visits to places that nobody would ever want to go. One trip
included stopping at Pompeii 20 seconds before the volcano erupted. The next
stop was at a German concentration camp in 1943, followed by porting at
Nagasaki, Japan, just two seconds after the atomic blast hit. Then, Joan Riverís
last episode of plastic surgery. Beelzebubís object in this kind of trip is to
help His passengers understand that a living hell on earth is still better than
their living Hell, in Hell!
The second type of voyage usually includes
all manner of glorious destinations, like Jamaica, or Hawaii, or the jet set spots of The Mediterranean Sea. But, on these trips, none of His passengers will be allowed to leave the
Devilís lesson here would be to display and
deny all kinds of heavens on earth to those consigned aboard. Gee, that rascal
Scratch is diabolical, and evidentlyÖHeís a real prick, too!
To prove that fact, Mephistopheles has
arranged for all voyages to be upside down, for maximum discomfort. The higher up your cabin is, the further underwater
you will be. Bottoms Up!
As far as activities on board, the bars are
open, and the shops are open, and the casinos are open, but, whoops, none of
the doomed has any money. Itís just not
fair! The one and only diversion is
mandatory attendance at the dinner shows in the main theater, nightly. Better
be thereÖLuciferís not joking!
There is a quintuplet of really bad
ventriloquists hosting the dinner show. These psychobabble rejects seem to
think their role is to totally alienate all of the audience, much like
in real life. The River Styx Orchestra is actually radio DJs faking hokey
movement to music playback. Stars of
the show are comics, who donít know that if anyone laughs even once,
that laughee will immediately be ejected from the ship to share the Nazisí
sector. (And you know how much they hate that.) Now you see: A good time cannot
be had by all, or anyone here!
Such is the heart and mind of the Supreme
Spirit of Evil.
Oh, El Diabloís tortured show has seen a
lot of familiar names. Many comics are
scheduled here for various comeuppances.
Fatty Arbuckle, that goofball, was the
headliner here, seems like an eternity. Cutup Lenny Bruce just owned the place
until recently. Sam Kinison toiled here for weeks, until he just kept
infuriating our all-seeing owner with Jesus gags, over and over. Sam works in
the engine room now. There are no women there.
Thereís a place saved next to him for Dice
Clay. Same sins!
But, you really should watch the
second act! No matter what
He or She looks likeÖIíll tell you the
secret: The second act is always GOD!
Yeah, God! You didnít know he does standup?
And God is good! Really, really good! You
wouldnít think that someone that high up the ladder could be so
funny. Itís hard not to laugh. Very hardÖnot to laugh! But, You know whom, is always
watching. The truth is, when the boss is away doing his ďsteal your soulĒ bit,
some of us actually do laugh at Godís newest jokes. That God is ďfall downĒ
funny! If anyone in the crowd laughs, theyíre zapped away to the nasty Hitler
zone. But, unknown to the Archfiend, moments later, those who laughed,
got clemency in the form of redemption!
The most doomed of all the doomed present
are the comics who go onstage next!
Remember, these who have to follow Godís act, donít know the crowdís
deal with the Dark Angel! Now, thatís the constant insidiousness of Comedy
Those standup comics appearing next have
obviously sinned against their peers during their wretched careers. Sinned by
continuing various amateur and hack behaviors littering stages
across their performing lives. Now, on this, their final home stage, those
boorish comics reap what they have sown, for all time. Itís all courtesy of the Lord of the Underworld,
the shadowy one who wears the Jersey numbered: 666!
A warning to those who that still walk the
Earth: Beware of unkindness, Love one another, and do good and be just, or you, too may sail for the rest of time on
Hellís Cruise Ship!