No one ever believed Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, would win the election to the highest seat in the Mount Perry political structure, on his agenda of, "COMPLETE AND TOTAL CHANGE", but win he did, now we are stuck with him for the next four years. Among his more controversial issues is his obsession with providing, Health Care For Everyone.
As if just the cost of this plan were not enough to make him "rather" unpopular, Yodar has proposed the creation of a 10,000-man Health Care Army to work in conjunction with our Army, Navy, Marine Corps. And Air Force. Although no one knew this item was in the bill, Yodar had shoved it quickly through our house of representatives, and he immediately signed it into law without the consent of the Tax Paying Public.
People around these parts are just a tad upset about this and have vowed to eliminate the problem with the next election. Unfortunately, being elected President of Mount Perry, Yodar Hoopelhoffer has the authority to form his Health Care Army and not only form the Health Care Army, but to put his new army in the field in the face of any he sees as a health care emergency.
Clarity in the bill has become a problem as much of what President Hoopelhoffer wants to do is written in Legalese. However, one thing has been made crystal clear, Doctors will be drafted into the Health Care Army and trained in the use of our complete arsenal of modern weapons of warfare. They will function along with, but not under the control of our regular army.
In the event there are not enough doctors in Mount Perry to fill the ranks of the Health Care Army, out of work citizens will be drafted into the Health Care Army and trained as doctors during their indoctrination. Previous experience or education is not considered a factor on just who is drafted. This part of the plan will help shrink the Jobless Rate. If a citizen needs health care, he or she is going to get it irrespective of quality.
Naturally, no one will be forced into this service, they may always accept the other option and be trained as Gladiators to fight in The Mount Perry Sports Center and Gladiatorial Arena. There is always a big demand for new gladiatorial combatants to participate in the Sunday Afternoon Festivities.
Should a Health Care Emergency arise, the Health Care Army will be able to call in Air Strikes, Navel Bombardment and Army Artillery Missions from their cell phones. For instance, if a group of citizens were found at a picnic eating unhealthy foods, armed doctors could descend on the group and demand they desist from eating any unhealthy foods. Should there be any resistance to this order, a navel or army bombardment could be called in on the location.
Should a citizen be found, outside their home, smoking a cigarette, an Armed Doctor might approach, show his authority as a member of the Health Care Army and demand the cigarette be extinguished at once. If the order was not followed immediately, the act could be viewed an insurrection, by the Armed Doctor and dealt with with lethal force. After all, second hand smoke has also been deemed unhealthy.
The Doctors, so drafted into the Health Care Army, would be instructed in the use of all weapons in the arsenal of the Army, Navy and Air Force. The training of each Doctor would take about six months, as certain parts of the Hippocratic Oath would have to be overcome so the doctor can carry out his/her orders from President Hoopelhoffer.
Armed S. W. A. T. teams of Doctors, in armored vehicles, would roam the streets of Mount Perry, stopping and searching any citizen suspected of carrying unhealthy food items, such as greasy potato chips, greasy hamburgers or the like at any time of the day or night.
President Hoopelhoffer would have direct and complete authorization to use his army to put down any revolutionary uprising such as, Bar B Ques, Fish Fries and any other type of outdoor gatherings in the back yards of a citizens home where unhealthy food might be served. Church Dinners will receive the very same scrutiny as the private citizen.
Although there is a gathering uproar over the rights of people who want greasy foods, President Hoopelhoffer is quick to remind us about how he knows better than we do and in the end the whole effort, is to promote good health. How can we fault the man when his intentions are so clearly in our best interests?
Although our citizens will be allowed to roam the streets and carry out their daily duties, it would be best if you left your home without any tobacco related items, sugar or salt. Under the new Health Codes, these items are considered dangerous because they form unhealthy habits.
Anyone found in possession of any of these items will be immediately sent to a Health Farm where they will be "Re-Educated" into a healthy life style. Graduates will re-enter normal society with no marks on their records, second offenders will be dealt with in a sterner fashion.
Public scales will be set up in the Center of Mount Perry and all citizens will be weighed as they pass. Anyone found to be overweight will have their weight stitched into the right hand arm of their clothing with three inch tall yellow thread and they will be expected to weigh less the next time they pass the check point.
Doctors have been telling us to lose or gain weight for years, now they can enforce it. As these doctors WILL be armed, there will be little or no resistance to their orders now.
Premature death will no longer be allowed. Anyone dying too early will be revived and sent to a Health Care Camp where they will be re-educated and taught to live a healthy life style, thus preventing any further premature deaths.
Remember, dying too early is now forbidden by law and there are stiff penalties if you do.
Naturally, President Hoopelhoffer is aware of the cost of his Universal Healthcare Program and is prepared to deal with any disgruntled tax payer by having them also re-educated into the healthy mandate now in force.
There will be special camps set up around Mount Perry in strategic locations to house those disgruntled Tax Payers until such time as re-education is deemed hopeless. Those Tax Payers, deemed hopelessly disgruntled will become part of a humane solution.
Now that his Health Care Program is a law, President Hoopelhoffer has turned his attention to Universal Dentistry Care.