Heaven’s Comedy Club

 I know there’s such a thing as Comedy Heaven. Some say there’s a place between heaven and hell. In my own quirky way, I believe that this very place will turn out to be St Peter’s Comedy Club at the Pearly Gates.

I envision a spot for all the people who were very sad in their mortal lives, too busy, or just overwhelmed by life’s ceaseless churning. After St. Peter and his doormen clear you through the metal detectors, you too can come on in to see the stand-up comedy show that never ends.

Somewhere during the selection process for heaven or hell, St Peter checks everyone’s laugh meter. If any individual registers too low on his guffaw scale, St Pete ordains a visit to the comedy club. You would be surprised how many lost souls really need some laughs. Our main room is usually packed for almost every performer. Hi there…come on in!

Walking in, you notice this is a big room. (We don’t say Vegas-style up here.) The first hundred seats up front are kept in reserve for folks who were so sad or overwhelmed while on earth. These sections are often full. We’ll go over to the bar (yes, we have one) to have a cool one, and scope the peeps out. One can see alot here at St Pete’s club at any time, but the joint is certainly jumping tonight. Hey, you’ve got good timing!

Our revered bartender is Buddha. He tells us the jokes he hears have always enlightened him. I’ll say hi and order us two manna daiquiris. Hey, look over there: see that recessed booth with the black light? Looks like Andy Kaufman is arguing with Tony Clifton over something, and they’ve got Gilda Radner and Freddy Prinze in stitches. For my karma, I leave Buddha a twenty.

At the scheduling desk, Redd Foxx is reserving a spot for Richard Pryor. Bob Hope, Shelly Berman and Imogene Coca are seconding the motion. Master Of Ceremonies Flip Wilson consults with Killer, and agrees. Then, Buddy Hackett pulls Phil Silver’s pants down, and they all laugh real hard.

On the other side of the bar, Joey Bishop and Milton Berle are planning to play a practical joke on Red Skelton. What they don’t notice is Red, at this very moment, striking a match on the left foot of both men, with a double a classic hot-foot.

The Marx brothers (minus Harpo, who is, appropriately enough, in the back playing the harp) are dealing Texas Hold ‘Em to The Three Stooges. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen poker with Seltzer bottles and cream pies - watch out!

See that table towards the back? It’s Lucille Ball, Rose Marie, Shirley Hemphill, and Moms Mabley. They’re all listening to Jack Benny explain why Bill Hicks was so funny - and hooting quite loudly! See the booth behind them? It’s Paul Lynde, who’s trying to convince W.C. Fields that Will Rogers was really gay.[BB]

What did you say? I couldn’t hear you. No, we won’t get to see Sam Kinison. He’s been playing at our other club. You know the one - just over the river Styx, in Hades. It’s just as well, because a lot of his loyal followers go there too. I have been told that other club features singing waitresses. Now, that’s hell!

Check out our stage. We’ve got the best light and sound system in the business. We got it from The Ice House in California. They’ve always been good to comics. Wow, Rodney Dangerfield just is finishing his set. It’s no surprise that Rodney always get his respect in here. All give him the OK sign. Thanks Mr. Roy.

The only hecklers we allow are fellow comics joshing their pals. We have a two “good deed” minimum, but almost everybody pre-pays on Earth. Our show line up isn’t announced, but it is electric in here. Something special is gonna happen tonight. Keep your eyes peeled and your ears tuned in, all right?

Some friends in the corner wave, and tell me that Lenny Bruce and Steve Allen each did sets earlier, and wrecked the place. Boy, I wish we could’ve seen that! Looking around, I see a lot of familiar faces in attendance. John Belushi and John Candy are having an eating contest in the VIP booth. That could get ugly.

A big roar from the stage gets my attention. As I look over my shoulder, I see Morey Amsterdam has finished with his big cello, and just introduced Johnny Carson. Johnny has been working out almost every night since his recent arrival. With his naive “I’m from Nebraska” attitude, he’s got the crowd eating out of his hand. “So, I’m kissing my girl, she asks me if I’ve got any PROTECTION. I tell her: we’re in the middle of a cornfield; we’ll see them coming! ….If it makes you feel better, I’ve got a shotgun in my truck! ” Huge laughs ensue. I know so many of his fans will always miss The King of Late Night.

Yeah, that’s the way it is, here at Saint Peter’s Comedy Club at The Pearly Gates. We have a lot of laughs. It’s not a bad gig to work…for ALL eternity. If you ever find yourself in our neighborhood, drop by and have some laughs with us!