Attack and Jail ALL Ventriloquists!

(A recently de-classified document)

An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us! You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently undermining our way of life.

To help identify and target this deluded enemy, we will investigate methods of operation, and roaming grounds. NSA reports reveal The CIA has inserted a Judas agent.

Our mission is to protect the U.S. public by eliminating basic freedoms, and then, on direct orders from The Vice President, in the dawn of the morning, (that's when these bums sleep) burst in on them using a well armed force, and then we will Attack and Jail ALL ventriloquists!

Methods of Operation:

In public, subjects often use Weapons of Mouth Distraction. Watch for any annoyed crowds. Subjects may talk out of both sides of their mouth, or neither. Subjects could have one or more hands out of sight. Be on alert and suspicious if any objects or wooden persons speak to you. Subjects may whine, and or beg to phone their agents. Do not comply! Subjects are always assumed to be armed and dangerous!

Roaming grounds:

Subjects can usually be located by surveying the seamier clubs in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Many have infiltrated lesser-known comedy circuits. Subjects typically frequent variety and revue shows. Two breeder colonies are known to exist in Louisville, KY and North Hollywood, CA. Multiple and simultaneous strikes are recommended, if enough of our assets can be managed and applied precisely. See the Restraint-Transport Requirements: Appendix F.

Battle Plan synopsis:

Typical search and destroy tactics. Catch, then decapitate the dummy. Cut the head off dummy, the nutcase withers! It's time to confront the sociopaths we failed to defeat in the late 1930's. Refer to: Containment Procedure List B. Expected casualties: Less than 85 individuals.

Rules of Engagement:

The Justice Department has approved the use of force. Engage on sight or suspicion. There are no rules or restrictions on our forces. The Geneva Convention does not apply to this action. Subjects to be nullified ASAP.

Psych OP profile:

You won't believe where the targets have been putting their hands! It's so icky! These sickos can't stand themselves, so they get some dummy to be their patsy. They need to be incarcerated immediately.


As funding for detention in Guantanemo Bay is rumored to be in question, alternate locations include: San Francisco, Utah, Newark, Alcatraz, Andersonville, or we can always render the whole lot of them to France, permanently!


None is anticipated, as our operation is a final solution for the continents, north and south, contiguous.

Budget Projection:

Options are presented on a pro-rated cost effective basis. Ballpark guesses range from $10 to 17.8 million depending on weather, publicity, and tranquilizer availability. GEO has access to black accounts with no ceiling, and will disburse on demand.

Summating: This operation is available to clean the scourges ventriloquists are perpetuating on our churches, children, and chattel. It's in your hands to trigger V-Day. We stand ready.

Submitted this day: August 9,2006
National Psychiatric Commission
Task Force Hollywood
Commander Max T. Katt

PS: May we expand the subjects to include kareoke and jugglers?

Author's note: I filed a Freedom of Bizarre Information lawsuit, and this is what they sent back to me. It's a strange world we live in, where nobody is safe. If you can't hate those ventriloquists, who can you hate?